Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
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Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
The cashier just checked me out.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Bootstraps
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.