Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
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“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
the council will decide your fate
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…