I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
You Might Also Like
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
mmm onion ringos
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
He’s cranky this morning
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Meth is short for Elizameth.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
These are my roll models.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?