[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
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Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover