Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
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A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.