16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
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It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
The honesty is refreshing
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.