My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
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Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
his wife is probably gonna see that
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.