I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
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It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Admin smashed it 😂
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Meeeee too!
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today