Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
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Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
How times have changed.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.