the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
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Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
They’re the worst 😩
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
me when i see my girls butt
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.