“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
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[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Can’t stop laughing
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
SCARY COSTUME
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
an octopus is just a wet spider
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.