Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
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Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Yes my dude
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Growing out my freckles.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can