i prefer mine room temperature.
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I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable