Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
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Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
all that yoga finally paid off
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.