My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
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“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
*pokes sex life with a stick
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles