Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
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“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Not today.. 😂
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.