“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
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4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
🙀🙀🙀😹
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I hope this email finds you in a well
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Hey i am sexy to you now
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.