You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
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If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.