Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
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[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
#winning
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”