On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
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went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
April 1st is the class clown of days.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board