*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
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“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”