My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
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Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.