[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
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I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense