Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
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15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions: