here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
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[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Writing, She Murdered.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I just ran a .003048K
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers