Erm…
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Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities