I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
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Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
“Sheer Arrogance”
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Got him!
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I’m calling the cops.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.