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Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
why I oughta
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes