Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
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If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag