Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
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me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure