There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
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Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE