NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
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Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or