Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
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him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
wait.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”