What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
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Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.