Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
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*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
#dnd #ttrpg