I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
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Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
what day is it?
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*