Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
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Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
A family that plays together cheats.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.