*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
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Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.