I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
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science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you