There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
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[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.