*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
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If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.