Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
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Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Meeeee too!
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related