Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
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WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I forgot how to panic. Help
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.