If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
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The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
much to think about
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week