Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
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Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.