Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
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Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.