At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
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A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Breaking news:
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.