Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
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I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
There is no try. There is only give up.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”