Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
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*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Just why bro?!
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.