[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
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Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts